writing – Mehreen Javed

I am small. A small fragment of your imagination. I come in all forms of shapes and colours to customise your mood and shape. I am a small wind. A friction of light. I am a small feeling that your heart has always desired.

I am so small, that sometimes I am forgotten. I am the circutboard behind your chandelier. Without Me there is no You. Without Me, You are paralyzed. You are disabled. You are useless because You have no Me to fall back on.

I am so meaningless to You, that, You can never remember why I serve Your purpose. I am so meaningless that ever second and drop of Your time and Your patience is counted towards my deed. That every favour and every single deed that You decree upon me is etched into the palm of my hand. Every bruise, every word, every fault and every breath I take – it is monitored. I am so meaningless to You, because, You can never be at fault. Of course it has to be me.

I am so small to You that even the deeds that I consider big, they could never match up to Yours. I am so small that my humbleness is a blind attempt at showing humility to you. I am so small to You that You cannot remember my existence anymore.

If I was so small to You, I ask myself “why was I so small to become ever close to You?”

A great pull between the desire to do, against, the desire to what you should do.

Frequently, we misjudge the character of our heart.

Yes, it has a character.

The heart has an objective: to speak the language of your soul. It gives you the ability to understand your needs, and, when combined with the brain it achieves remarkable things. I say this, because, the heart has the ability to monitor emotional understanding whilst the brain works systematically to execute the desires of the heart. Which is why I believe that the heart is centred in such a prime location within our body.

The vibration of the heart is just as important. With each pulsating beat, our heart starts to hammer itself into a trance. The speed dictating the rhythmic flow, and, our hearts pumping religiously to show-off their incredible stamina. It is remarkable how our hearts function under extreme pressure. The strain we burden our hearts with, such as: stress, anxiety, worldly pressures, and emotional strain deteriorates the life span of our hearts. Much like, these things are also why we emotionally start to distrust other human beings over terrible relationships.

Hearts are used with versatility in our work. Either we reflect on the heart for its’ physical function, physiological, metaphysical or emotional. As an artist, I depend on the language of my heart to take me places, and, to speak to people.

My heart, on the other hand, has been cluttered and blocked with external responsibilities, and, duties of fulfillment which are oppressing me from correctly taking the right path. Piles and piles of social calamities, and, acts of service plummet me into an act of emotional negligence towards myself. Ironically, these acts of negligence stem from the service to my own family. I will not elaborate in greater detail of my emotional priorities, but, I have just said enough, I think.

I have realised, that my written speech is also becoming affected due to the changes impacting me in my life. I do not have the same colloquial-ness, nor do I express verbal creativity when I talk.

Hopefully writing more can develop my verbal stamina.

Tag: writing

“I am small.”

The Heart